OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
