K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
