You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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