he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
