I'm going to jail i love you
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
