a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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