I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
