we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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