I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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