I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
