Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
