when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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