I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
