just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
