I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
