apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
