This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
