my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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