It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
