Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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