the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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