I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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