you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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