Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
