He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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