god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Operation Purity has been aborted
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
