The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
