You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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