God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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