I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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