I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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