If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
