I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
