Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
