Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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