Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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