you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
