my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
