You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
