Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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