my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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