so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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