her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
