you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
