I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish they made helmets for livers.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize