I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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