By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
