Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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