the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
