Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
did i walk over a car last night?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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