Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
