You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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