she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
