sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
