i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize