Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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