Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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