Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
God, I missed his penis.
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