How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
