I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
