party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
