I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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