Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
