She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
