If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
