Your face is a jimmy john
I need help removing her.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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